The end of an era?

Yesterday I decided to clean out my change table that occupies the hall downstairs. It has become a catch all and I could not bare to look at it any longer. As I sat on the floor folding all of the receiving blankets that we haven't used in months I was overcome by a wave of nostalgia. Particularly when I folded the blankets my mom made with love for the boys. I am not even sure why I still need them out, but I can't bring myself to put them away. It becomes the end of an era for our family. There will be no more babes to swaddle in these soft flannelette blankets. No more spit up to wipe of their tiny mouths (ok, that one I can live without)!

It makes me so excited when the kids learn to do new things. For example, Connor is potty training. He seems to be keen to do this and I by no means am pressuring him to forge into this new adventure. As much as I am excited by this, it always makes me a little sad. Once he is out of diapers that means it won't be long and Evan will be too. Evan will be walking soon, and I will be back to work. Then no more babies in the house. It will be a preschooler/toddler home! As much as I will miss having wee babes in the house I certainly do not want more children!

My body cannot handle another pregnancy and more importantly, emotionally, I think I would crack going through another round of severe sleep deprivation! Two is perfect and what I always wanted. I will be fine holding my friends babies and then handing them back. I am not going to wish the future away. I will continue to live in the moment and be present everyday. This will be crucial when I return to work in 8 weeks. I will hardly see the boys and I know this will be hard on them. Especially sweet Evan who is a mommy's boy!

My return to work also means the near end to our nursing relationship. I found this relationship to be an enjoyable one and although at times I wished it were over, I will really miss it when we are done. In fact, Evan may need to keep one feed just to feel that closeness when I am gone all day. I feel ok keeping that feed for may be a month after I go back. I know I will take flack for it as I am already feeling some pressure to quit. If we do continue it will be Evan's lead and I will not be doing because I don't want to let him grow up.

It is never easy living life on fast forward, though we have little control over how fast time seems to fly. All we can do is remember to live in the present and stop looking ahead to the next few hours, days, months and years. They will come on their own and all too fast! If anything, cleaning the change table has been a good reminder to take the time to enjoy my boys while they are young!